It's a Girl!

So, we found out last week that we're definitely having a girl. Around 12 weeks the specialist told us that she thought it was a girl but they confirmed it at our appointment last week. When I was pregnant with Justice I initially wanted a girl partly because I'm a girl. I understand girls. I think they're clothes are better - you know, all that stuff. Then, when we found out we were having a boy I was a little freaked out, to say the least. I mean, there were boy parts in there. Inside my body!

Now, however, I'm a little freaked out about a girl. I know little boys now. I adore my own. He hung the moon where I'm concerned. I'm thankful that this time we don't have to worry about circumcision but other than that, I'm still a little freaked out.

I bring enough drama into our household for one family. I have enough estrogen to last for decades. I'm not sure what to do with a little girl. There will be princesses and bows and lace and frills. Will I be able to do her hair and get her tights on the right way? I mean, we don't even have to brush Justice's hair in the mornings.

On top of that, I'm worried about naming her. I desperately want to start calling her by her name but just what that is eludes us currently. We have a list and it keeps growing - not shrinking. That's the problem. And I'm not sure that Marty and I are going to come close to finding one that we're both happy with anytime soon. So, we continue to look and google and search.

I'm glad to be in the second trimester. For the most part things are going splendidly. I am tired all the stinking time but that will get worse. I have nothing to complain about now considering the fact that I remember what sleep deprivation in its fullest was like. That type of tired only comes with a newborn. Other than that, I'm doing alright. The heartburn that I had with Justice doesn't exist this time - hallelujah! This time around we're not trying to quickly finish a house renovation. We're learning how to do the discipline thing (as hard as it is) so next time around it should be at least a little bit easier. And, to top things off, the sickness is gone. Food is my friend right now which could be my downfall.

I keep telling myself to make good choices where my food is concerned but those carbs keep calling my name. I CANNOT DENY THEM!!! Pasta and bread for lunch sounds absolutely soothing to my soul. Muffins, yes please. Bagels, of course. Chips, you bet ya. Sandwiches, duh. I get a fruit or vegetable in there every once in a while but for the most part, I'm loving all those fatty foods. Just can't stop myself.

We go back next week to the regular doctor and then at week 20 we'll head back to the specialist for more ultrasound pics. Perhaps after that visit, I'll be able to post a few.

Until then, bring on the bread!

13 weeks and counting

So, today marks 13 weeks. There's a collective sigh of relief hanging in the air around our house. It's like it's okay now to finally say we're pregnant (even though we were doing that before). It's like we know now that this baby is going to hang around for the whole thing and we'll get to hold her or him (although we're hoping for a her) in just a few more months. What in the world?!?

I keep thinking through how this one is different. The first and BEST part of this one is that the heartburn that kept me up all hours of the day and night, made me drink the coldest liquids I could get my hands on, made me stay away from some of my favorite foods (peanut butter, need I say more), is non-existent this time. Hallelujah! The second is and next BEST part is that I am not afraid this time around. I was terrified with Justice. I couldn't talk about labor and delivery without breaking out into cold sweats. The third best part is that now that I'm not a first time mom, other moms horror stories don't seem to seek me out like I'm the last healthy cell in a plague ridden body.

There were and are obviously some down sides to this pregnancy. The first was all the scares we went through. I cried often and much thinking I had miscarried - AGAIN!! I lived like I was a porcelain doll for several weeks, wishing I could simply take a walk around the block or clean my house. At the same time I revelled in the fact that I got to take a nap every day and wear sweat pants and t-shirts every day. There has been more nausia this time around than last time but that seems to be subsiding and now, all that's left to do is grow a baby.

I was asked last night if there will be more after this. H*** NO!! Should've been my response. I can't go through the torture thinking I might lose another one. I don't like being uncomfortable all the time. Being pregnant may have its benefits but, trust me, I'm not signing up for me. I understand accidents happen but we'll do our best to keep them at bay. If there are more Mikles children to be had, they will come by way of China or the Phillippines thank you very much!

I took a stroll around Babies R Us the other day. I just wanted to see if there was anything I might, you know, NEED this time around. Oh man - are there! I caught myself, however, walking around with a goofy grin. I can relax now and dream. It's all going to be alright! That is the most fantastic feeling in the entire world, well, almost. he he

So, anyway, I just wanted to start blogging my journey. My sense of smell is definitely on high alert. My office shares a wall with the women's bathroom and yep, I can tell when someone's gone in there to...you know. I can smell Lilly's breath from miles away and Marty's farts almost make me throw up. It's a side effect I'm not enjoying.

Today, however, I am giddy. I think this is the first day in a long time that I have felt like myself instead of possessed by some sort of strange alien creature that is making me feel all sorts of crazy, strange things and desire things like dill pickles on lays potato chips. I am living it up today.

I can't imagine my life with two children who call me mommy but I bet it's a fantastic adventure full of crying and laughing and lots of memory making. I can't wait for all of those opportunities.

So, now, I'm off to purchase some fried pickles.

Ways You Know You're On Vacation

#10 - You can't remember if you've taken a shower but you did go swimming and that must count for something, right?

#9 - flossing is optional - now that I mention it, so it brushing
#8 - food, food and more food

#7 - there's sand everywhere and yes, I mean, there too
#6 - taking a walk doesn't necessarily indicate exercise but a form of relaxation - and a way to get to the pier for some ice cream
#5 - late night movies, movies at the theater (which I don't get to anymore), movies on the road, and movies for my child
#4 - naps, man I love naps
#3 - riding a great wave (see #7)
#2 - snacks of all sorts and shapes that occur at all times, even if it is 10 minutes until the next meal
#1 - being with my HUGE, Incredible, beautiful, extended family, all 24 of us

Dealing with Grief

This post has been a long time coming I think. I was pretty sure I'd write about the last month or so at some point I just wasn't sure when. So, here I am, on a Tuesday and all of a sudden it seems like I can and perhaps the next bit will just pour out of me like healing waters.

Turns out the past 5 months have been a bit of a journey. You see, Marty and I started trying to get pregnant in January. I was sure it would be easy because of how easy it was with Justice. It was. By the end of February, beginning of March I knew I was prego. That was such good news. It worked out perfectly with my time frame. I was hoping for a Fall baby. A fall baby would have been terrific timing-wise and life-wise. We bought Justice "Big Brother" t-shirts and everything. We were waiting to announce it to the world until my first ultrasound but the family knew - that was enough.

Well, I went to my first doctor's visit and the ultrasound showed that I wasn't as far along as what the dates were showing. I should've been 9 weeks but the ultrasound showed that I was probably more like 4 or 5 weeks. There was an egg sack but just a smudge of a baby. So she said not to worry and to come back in two weeks for another looksee. At that point we would get a heartbeat and a due date.

The next two weeks were the longest and hardest of my life. There was something inside me that knew. I knew something wasn't right. Even if I ovulated late, there just wasn't something that would settle. I couldn't get the thought that perhaps there wasn't a baby, that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.

I went back in two weeks and there was a baby and an umbilical cord but no heartbeat. So, my doctor said, come back in a week. She wanted to give my baby every chance there was at survival. On April 7 I started to pray for a heartbeat for my baby even though I still didn't think it would happen. I wanted it to but at the same time I just simply wanted to know if I should shift into grieving or joy - it was such a hard place to exist for a week.

Before the week was up I started to spot. Nothing serious but I knew then what the ultrasound declared later on. The saddest thing to ever see is an ultrasound of an empty womb where a baby should be. Because I was pretty sure of what I would see, I didn't really expect to cry. WRONG!!! I balled. I couldn't control it.

Then, I had three options. Wait and let things happen on their own. Take a couple of pills. Have a D&C. We (I) decided to wait and see. My body had already started to take care of things on its own so, surely this wouldn't take too much longer. I just wanted the constant reminder that there wasn't a baby to stop. That was the worst part. Well, I had part of a miscarraige the following Thursday as Marty was on his way to somewhere up North for a TransMission gig. He offered to stay home but I knew there were plenty of people to take care of me and so when things started to happen, I called my Mother In Law and all was alright. There were some cramps, some bleeding but all in all I thought I got off pretty easily.

Then Saturday night came and there seemed to be another episode of cramping and bleeding. Hmmmm....the doctor didn't say anything about two episodes of this fun.

The next week I thought it was strange that there was still bleeding going on (I'm very sorry if you're uncomfortable reading about such details of my life but this is what happened and I think it's important that people know how hard it is for women who walk this road - every part) so I called the doc and went in for an appointment. Turns out, my body was still not through taking care of things on its own. So, we scheduled a D&C. By the way, I discovered this lovely bit of news on Justice's 2nd birthday.

The next week I went in and had the procedure and came out just fine. There was relief after it was done. I was ready to say, I had a miscarriage instead of not knowing where I was in the process. I felt like at that point maybe I could move on. I had cried and I was over it. Not really but that's what I told myself.

In two days it will have been a month since the D&C. I still have questions. I can't even convince myself somedays that I was actually pregnant. Was there really a baby or was it just a bunch of cells that tricked my body into believing it was pregnant? I'm a Bible believing Christian but I'm not sure where I stand there. Either way, thinking about the fact that at this very moment I should've been about 3 or 4 months pregnant is hard to deal with.

My friend Beth and I went out to lunch last week. We hadn't seen each other in a long time and she brought me a care package. I didn't even think it was for the miscarraige. She's moving and I thought it was a goodbye gift. Then there was some material in it about dealing with the grief of having a miscarraige and I teared up then. It had been a while since I cried.

I want Justice to be a big brother so bad. I want to have a family of small ones who grow up together and remember each other being little and are close enough to play together and go to school together and laugh together. I want them to be close enough to each other in age that if I need to save money by passing down clothes, I can and the clothes will still be in style.

Anyway, I don't know that there's an end to this lengthy monologue. I just felt like it was time to put this part of my life out there in the hopes that it might help in the healing.

There have been so many people who have loved and supported Marty and I through this season of our lives (it's not over). Your generosity to us and your dedication to us is unfathomable and incredible. Thank you to each one of you who sent cards or emails letting us know you were thinking and praying for us. We love you and hope and pray that we can love you that deeply in the future.

Justice's 2nd Birthday - WHAT?!?

Dear Justice,

This morning as we sat down to breakfast, I recalled that two years ago at about that same time, your daddy and I were getting in the car to head to the hospital to welcome you into the world. My how time flies.

You opened your first present this morning - a soccer ball. You proceeded to eat breakfast while holding fast to it and repeating over and over again, "My soc cer ball." After breakfast you kicked it around the house saying, "kick it, kick it, kick it." Yes, you love giving directions, even to yourself.

Last night and this morning I tried to teach you how to hold up two fingers and say, "I'm this many." The best I get is one finger or you hold up your entire hand and say, "Peace Mommy." We'll work on that.

Speaking of numbers, you now how to count to 10 but refuse to start with the number one. You tend to begin with 2 and if left to your own devices will only count to three repeatedly - "two, fwee, two, fwee, two, fwee." You have recently gone beyond "fwee" without prompting but every once in a while you revert back to your 23 month old ways - HA!

You have begun singing on your own in the past couple of months. When we ask you what you'd like to sing, your response tends to be "Baa Baa." You will let us sing with you most of the time but sometimes you NEED to sing a solo. At those times, Baa Baa Black Sheep and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star tend to merge into the same song. You also enjoy a good rendition of the ABC song but again, if it is necessary for you to sing a solo, you tend to only make it to P and that's with a whole lot of liberty taken on the first half of the alphabet anyway.

With Easter just being last week, I find it necessary to include the fact that you dyed easter eggs this year for the first time. You didn't quite get their fragility but loved dunking them in the colored water. When all of the eggs were dyed you simply wanted to keep going. You also loved the egg hunts. You participated in about 4 or 5. Some with the real eggs we dyed and a few with plastic eggs. When you discovered, however, that there was candy in the plastic ones, the easter egg hunts came to a quick stop and turned into a picnic. That happened last year too - if I recall. All the other kids were quickly collecting their spoils and you were happy enough just to sit down and enjoy the animal crackers.

I have loved watching you grow up. You astound me daily with your ability to speak in full sentences and communicate your wants. Mostly those come out as whines but whatever. You're learning. You have been such a fun part of life. I used to think that college was the best time of my life, then I thought it was marriage but not anymore. I may talk to adults now about having to go potty and tell stupid jokes that I learned from Elmo's World but YOU are the best time of my life now - even when you make me angry or frustrated because you continue to ask the same question about 100 times even though the answer continues to be the same. Daddy is still probably driving the car even though you just asked a second ago, "Wha's he doin?" and will ask the same question in just a second. Perhaps this is your version of why. I'm okay with that but I'm wondering if we could work on spacing them out a bit more. Maybe you could ask every other second from now on? I'd appreciate that.

Little boy who's not so little anymore, you are my joy. I love you more than I thought it possible to love a human. Hopefully someday there will be more little Mikles that you will get to share this life with but for right now, you are my delight and I completely enjoy it being just the three of us.

Love you baby boy,
Mommy

TAAAAAA ruck

So, this week has been hard in the Mikles household. I'll probably share more next week but for now, please remember us in your prayers as we walk a hopeful road.

Now, for a bit of a laugh. Turns out, Justice loves trucks! He loves Mac trucks, dump trucks, toy trucks, trucks you can ride on, vans that he calls trucks, you name the truck, he thinks it's cool.

About a month or so ago, he discovered the word for truck. We had actually just dropped Marty off at the airport and were headed to the car. All the way back to the car he asked, "Wha's tha, Mommy?" Which is his 2 year old version of the question "Why?" Well, that and "Wha's he doin'?" Those two questions never cease. So, anyway, we're walking back to the car and Justice points at a truck and asks, "Wha's that. Mommy?" And I tell him.

Immediately he tries the word out for himself. Here's the problem. Toddlers can't say double consanants. Granny comes out Ganny. Spaghetti comes out sketti. But truck does not come out tuck. It doesn't even come out ruck.

Perhaps this might help you discover how it does come out. When Justice says train, it comes out fain. That's right. Fain. So, when my boy, WHO LOVES TRUCKS says truck, he drops the f bomb. We try to get him to say it correctly. We even break it down into separate sounds - TA Ruck. But then he thinks it's funny and just says the F word even louder.

So, dear readers, please know that Marty and I have not taught our child the worst of the curse words. Not at all. He just simply has a tendency towards a foul mouth.

I suppose it doesn't help that we giggle when he says it.

Small Victory

With a toddler who is about to turn 2, every day is a battle. Some of them he wins but the majority of them I win with a time out or a hand pop. I know it's sad but sometimes the tears are a victory. Don't think me awful. That's just the way it works sometimes.

This morning, I had a fantastic victory. We were on the way to school/work. Justice has one of those fancy books that has the buttons on the side that play noises. This one also has a small screen at the top that when you push the button, not only does the sound play but a little picture at the top shows up and moves. For example, one of the buttons is a horse. So, when you push the horse button a beautiful nay comes out of the speaker and a horse gallops across the screen. It's pretty fantastic. Well, we were almost to school. Justice is pushing the buttons and having a good time. Then, I hear it. A tear. He has torn one of the pages out of the book. I say, "No Justice. We don't tear pages out of books!" Well, then I hear it again. This time I say in a much louder, much more unkind voice, "NO!" and I take the book away. At this point, the whining/crying commences. I don't respond. That's the price you pay for destroying your stuff.

Then, the victory. Get this. About 30 seconds later, Justice, in a sheepish voice, says from the back seat, "sorry." You heard it here first ladies and gentlemen. My son, of his own volition, offered up a sorry for one of his actions today without being prompted. WHAT!!! We must be doing something right.

I don't think anyone really reads my blog anymore so I'm not quite sure why I'm posting except for the fact that there's an urge in me to write today. I don't have an agenda or a topic just a heart full.

I've been closely monitoring a woman's blog whom I have never met. She has a sick baby boy who is in desperate need of prayer and even more need of healing. I keep envisioning his heart being held by the creator of the universe because that's the part that's sick. I believe God will heal him. I believe God will bring restoration. By entering into this journey with some strange woman that I have never met, however, I have found myself quite emotional. I want to meet her. I want to be her friend. More than that, though, I find myself drawn into prayer more throughout the day for a little boy I have never met than I have ever really been drawn to prayer before. Why is that? Because he's so innocent and young? Because he's got so much life left to live? Because I have a little boy that I couldn't bare to watch go through something like this so my heart aches even more for MckMama? I don't know but I know I've been in prayer for baby Stellan a lot the past week and a half.

At the same time, I find myself overwhelmed by the health of my family, of my son and of my husband. I don't have to walk through the desert for a while to find healing. So, today, I am incredibly grateful to the Lord of all for the gifts he has given me.

Justice turns two this month. I can't believe it. So, since he's not quite two yet, I'm going to list 23 things (one for each month he's been alive) that make up his handsome little self:

1. He loves cho mil (chocolate milk)
2. He thinks airplanes and choo choos are fantastic. In fact, anytime he hears an airplane in the sky he has to stop and look.
3. He loves his granny, pop pop, nonnie and poppa.
4. Lie Fween (Lightning McQueen) is currently his favorite book. A chow (Ka-chow) is a frequent saying.
5. Sometimes he uses a spoon. For the most part, however, he still uses his hands to eat - much to his mother's chagrin, especially when we're having oatmeal or yogurt.
6. He's never quite content unless both Marty and I are with him. If I pick him up from daycare he wants to "see daddy?" If Marty is with him alone, he wants to "see mommy?"
7. In the mornings, he loves to call his daddy to the breakfast table. "Ohm eat Daddy!"
8. He is now 35 inches tall.
9. He loves to play the drums.
10. He has a toy guitar that he calls his "tar" and he carries it around the house so that mommy can play it. Why me? I can't quite figure that one out. I play a mean Three Blind Mice.
11. He hates getting his hair washed. The fights are nasty and usually end with one of us crying.
12. He also hates having his teeth brushed. Not even a Cookie Monster or Elmo toothbrush work.
13. He wants fre fries for every meal. Evidently they go well with cho mil.
14. He gets embarrassed pretty easily.
15. He gets tickled if Marty asks him to tell me I'm pretty. (one of those easily embarrassed moments).
16. He loves it when I draw Daddy playing basketball on the Magna Doodle. He has never seen Marty play basketball.
17. M&M's are his favorite candy.
18. He thinks other kids are fantastic. This past weekend in Orlando, he wanted to hold Baby Cyana and kiss her all the time.
19. He has a monkey to wear as a backpack that also works as a kiddie leash and he loves it! Score!
20. Justice thinks that any "puter" can only get one website - Sesame Street.
21. He can laugh like Ernie.
22. He can spot a balloon a mile away and will not rest until it is in his possession.
23. He's the cutest 23 month old ever. See?

About Us

Found this on someone else's site, thought i'd steal it and make it my own. Should be fun. This is one of those memes of questions - particularly for husbands and wives.

What are your middle names?
Mine is Marie. His is Andrew. Guess how Justice got his middle name.
How long have you been together?
We've been married almost six years, together eight.
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We met when we were young and didn't even remember the occurance until someone told us about it. So, if you count that, then 13 years. If you don't count that, we met the summer of '97 before Marty went to Moldova for the summer. If that's what you're counting then approximately 4 years.
Who asked whom out?
Uh...he did for like a year and a half (kind of)until I said, "ALRIGHT ALREADY!"
How old are each of you?
I don't want to talk about it.
Whose siblings do you see the most?
Because of geography and my mother, we see my sibling and his wife the most. I wish we saw his sisters more often.
Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
The amount of time we have to spend travelling for work. He travels more than I do but we both do our fair share and it's hard. It's hard when the other is gone and then it's hard getting rehabituated when the other comes back.
Did you go to the same school?
Nope.
Are you from the same home town?
No but we did both live in the same house at different points in our lives and both still remember the phone number of that house.
Who is smarter?
Marty amazes me with his ability to figure out any piece of technology that you put in front of him from a computer, to an iPhone to how to wire surround sound or get more delay out of a mic (if he really does that). He knows things I will never know and in many ways never want to. I, on the other hand, was good in school - can write a mean paper and love the smell of ink.
Who is the most sensitive?
I'm not sure I know how to choose. The answer is that we both are pretty sensitive and handle other people's hurts quite well.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Since the question says most, I'll have to say either Dunkin Donuts or McDonalds but if the question said, where do you like to eat the most as a couple, my answer would have to be any romantic restaurant that also has the cost of a sitter figured into the tab.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Australia - I was 10 weeks pregnant. That flight sucked.
Who has the craziest exes?
He does.
Who has the worst temper?
I do. There's slamming and banging and huffing and puffing. I clean house extremely well when I'm angry.
Who does the cooking?
Unless I want fettucini Alfredo or Fajitas, I cook.
Who is the neat-freak?
Let's just put it this way: I am a much nicer person when he puts away his socks. That's the answer the previous woman gave and I have to conquer. I'm not a neat-freak I just like everything put away after I do the laundry and the suitcases unpacked after a trip within a reasonable amount of time (less than 24 hours is reasonable).
Who is more stubborn?
me.
Who hogs the bed?
neither. I tend to hog the covers when we're in anything smaller than a king. That's merely because in my half-awake state, I think he's stealing the covers and I'm just trying to get mine back.
Who wakes up earlier?
Really? Does anyone out there in cyberland need me to answer this question? C'mon people.
Where was your first date?
A Quarter Past 3 practice ran late and ruined the first date. So, he made it up to me by taking me to Churchill Grounds as a re-do. We had glorious dessert and listened to some great jazz.
Who is more jealous?
me.
How long did it take to get serious?
By the time I said I would date him, I knew there wasn't any turning back.
Who eats more?
Quick story. This past Monday, we went to the Big Apple Circus. Marty gets himself a jumbo hot dog and orders me a funnel cake of which he eats at least half, if not more. He washes that down with a pack of Peanut M&M's during intermission and then, for dinner I want Chick Fil A. He has a pack of chicken nuggets for dessert. The End
Who does the laundry?
For the most part, I do. Marty does surprise me sometimes and will do a couple of loads for which I am grateful.
Who's better with the computer?
he is
Who drives when you are together?
Marty, that way I have the ability to retrieve Justice's sippy cup from the tiny area between his seat and the door, or shove a snack trap full of goldfish at him, or start an Elmo video, or read him a book, or on some longer trips, even crawl back there to imagine him falling asleep peacefully even though that never happens anymore.

The next great invention - reclining car seats that actually allow a kid to take a comfortable nap in the car without neck cramps.

The Cost of Haiti

Steve Fee sings a song called "Burn For You" and the lyrics to part of the chorus say, "I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything, At any cost for you my king." Before leaving for Haiti I was counting the cost. I was going to miss being with my family. I was going to miss the birth of my nephew. I was going to miss watching Justice do all of the amazing things that he does on a daily basis. I also knew that Haiti could be a dangerous place. I had told everyone else the right answers. We were going to be serving The Salvation Army and the respect that people have in Haiti for The Salvation Army is incredible. Still, in my head, I had terrible thoughts of being killed while on the journey from Port Au Prince to Fond des Negres (which I now know was a possibility). I had thoughts of being kidnapped. I had thoughts of never returning home again. I had counted the cost almost to the point of being paralyzed with fear. What I didn't consider before I left was the cost if I hadn't gone.

We arrived in Port Au Prince on Saturday January 3. We settled in to the Wall's International Guest House and some of the girls purchased a few souvenirs. This was a pretty nice place but the smell of exhaust and burning styrofoam got to all of us. We attended church the next morning at the Port Au Prince Corps. They have a meet and greet time during their meetings where everyone goes around kissing everyone else on the cheek. Well, I got confused halfway through as to which side I should start on. I ended up grazing a woman's mouth with my mouth that morning. Yep, that's right. I kissed her on the lips unintentionally. Quite funny, yet embarrassing. C'est la vie! We sang a song for the congregation and introduced ourselves. The meeting was really enjoyable.

That afternoon we packed up and took the arduous journey to Fond des Negres. Fond de Negres (which Marty thinks sounds an awful lot like saying found an egg) is only 100 km from Port Au Prince but because of the roads it took us the better part of four hours. We passed several Voodoo marches that day and were perplexed. That night Joe shared some statistics with us about Haiti:

• The population of Haiti is 8 million people, 2 million live in Port Au Prince


• The unemployment rate of Haiti is 70%


• The Salvation Army's school system is the 4th largest in the country


• Voodoo is a sanctioned religion in Haiti. Voodoo priests have the right to perform marriages, preside at gravesides, etc.


• Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere

We all acted like we knew those things. What we didn't know was how deeply those statistics would affect us when we met them face to face.

The next morning we were scheduled to leave the beautiful Aldy hotel where we were staying at 9 a.m. Before our departure, children from the village just across the fence from us met us in front of the hotel. They wanted us to take their pictures and give them candy and take them with us on the tap tap (the Haitian form of public transport which is really just a pick up truck with makeshift benches installed in the back). Several of the little boys that morning showed up without anything on but a shirt that might or might not have covered their nether bits. That night when we saw one of them without any pants on again, Sabrina gave him her pajama shorts which fit once he rolled them up a bit.

During the days in Fond des Negres we were blessed to spend time at the Bethany Children's Home. Bethany is home to 40 children who have either been orphaned or abandoned. The youngest at the home was left at The Salvation Army Bethel Clinic just down the street from the home by his mother. No one knows his real birth date. He is probably around two years old. None of the children's stories had happy beginnings but you'd never know it from the way they laughed and played. I've been on several mission trips in the past 10 years. I've never been to a home where the children were so unassuming. Sure, they loved it when we gave them candy or stuffed animals but more than that, they loved it when we spent time with them. We played game after game with them. They loved to play with the girls' hair. They held our hands, sat on our laps, asked questions that we didn't understand. They learned so much English and we learned a tiny tiny bit of Creole.

We also spent our days painting the home. A fresh coat of paint goes a long way at a place like Bethany.

We took a tour of The Salvation Army's Bethel Clinic which is the only hospital in all of Fond des Negres. I've never seen such desperation. There were at least 150 people sitting in the waiting room. You could hear a baby's cries and cough over the rest of the noise. As we toured through the hospital we saw babies maybe 8,9, 10 months old hooked up to IVs next to 60 year old men. We saw people asleep on the benches waiting to be seen. There was an area where nurses were testing bloodwork to see if those who had come to the hospital that day had contracted TB. We toured the tuberculosis section of the hospital where those who are diagnosed with TB are sent for treatment over a nine month period. My grief for those people that day was beyond words. I simply watched and at the end I cried. This was a picture of desperation but also of hope. I realized that day that if it weren't for The Salvation Army's presence in this town, there would be no treatment, no IV, no hope. So, while the look of it was quite grim, people came here for help and healing and in that, there is hope!

In the evenings, after we had worn ourselves out playing with children all day long, we would have devotions together as a team. I feel like it's important to mention at this point that there were 16 participants on this trip and every single one of them was female. There were three leaders which were myself, Joe Lynch and Dean Feener who lead the sung worship. I also feel that it's important to mention the fact that with these girls, the level of spiritual maturity was deep and wide. They didn't hold back any part of themselves and dug right in to the Word and what God had to say. Their revelations were life-altering. We talked about fear, about hope, about our future and how this trip should change the way we live at home. We sang glorious songs on the top floor of the hotel which was open space. We had a 360 degree view of the town we were in. We could see mountains and sea all at the same time. I have no doubt that those in the town surrounding us heard our worship and could not question which God we served.

On one evening a Voodoo march went up and down the small path on just the opposite side of the fence from our hotel. Many of the girls became scared. During sung worship that night, however, while we sang "Did you feel the mountains tremble" at least four or five people had the same vision - of a town hearing our worship and the Holy Spirit moving throughout the town wiping out the work that the Voodoo priest had come to do. We aren't naive enough to think it was a one time work but we did believe that the God of the universe could claim that town for himself and those people.

We became close friends with the children who met us each afternoon and evening at the hotel. We brought the boys clothing, particularly shorts and underwear since they had none. We gave them gum and candy. We gave them beanie babies. We spent time with them. We all wondered what would happen once we left. Then a prayer formed on our lips and in our hearts. Lord, please send someone hear to serve and live among these people who knows you and can bring hope where there isn't any. During devotions one night God lead me to Romans 8:35, 37 which says, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." The thing which struck me was that the nakedness and poverty of these children was secondary to their need for a Savior. Yes, they desperately need clothing but if they never receive that, my prayer is still that someone show them the love of Christ because once they receive him - NOTHING can separate them from him - NOTHING!!!

We did some other pretty amazing things like go to the beach, climb a mountain, buy stuff. In the end however, we counted the cost. We saw a nation in poverty and we hoped beyond their circumstances. We realized that the cost for us to come was menial compared to the return in education, depth of relationship, and life-changing experiences we received. The cost was a week of our time and a few of our bucks. The return was a heart full of love for a people who have Christ and for those who have yet to experience Him and His saving grace. To be quite honest, it cost me my life, the one that I knew before Haiti. I've exchanged it for a different life here at home. I choose to die to that life - a life of poor decisions and selfishness, greed and materialism. I choose to die to self and choose to spend more time pursuing Christ.

Did I do these things before? Sure but I feel like my experiences in Haiti have heightened the opportunities that I have here to change how they live there. Could my greed have caused some of their poverty? Absolutely. Could the cost of my thoughtlessness when it comes to consumerism have made things worse? Yes. So, now, I will make better choices when purchasing. I will choose to save energy. I will choose to use less water since they don't even have clean or running water in their homes. I won't do it because it's the cool thing to do. I will do it because protecting this earth is a part of bringing God glory and saving His people. The cost is my time, my money, my prayer, my hope for them and my life - for you my King!